.. is that it means a lot to me.

So much so that I have set aside my time to dream, to get lost, to taste, to marvel, to sigh, to stare, and to aimlessly breathe on what is constantly missing out there, somewhere.

It means a lot to me that I spend time with you; and that YOU spend time with me.

To fight, to argue, to look at each others’ eyes; only to laugh, cry, smile, feel your breath, smell your skin, stroke your hair; What else? To feel, look, and act divinely stupid for the meantime.

But never getting lost, and finding time for ones fickle vices again.

I want something new.

Nothing can be done about the past. Even if I want to string the pieces back to my gray box; all is lost and remembered only in the future.

Now is brimming with fear, doubt, confusion, anxiety, mists, dusts, and wormholes.

But I still wish I can take a picture of this dark life and revel on its shame and decay.

I saw a picture of Sushi sleeping on his headquarters. Now I know how Taray feels everytime she waits for him to pop out from somewhere, anywhere.

He has touched our lives in more ways than one. Sadly, I miss him. I wish I can still hear his annoying way of making us feel he will never leave us.

Not until Death came along to fetch him.

“Tara, breakfast tayo.”

It was a Monday morning and a friend and I just came from a 10:00PM shift. I was awake since 5:00AM, Sunday and had been wondering how I survived the “Monday Blues.” All I wanted to do was drop flat on my bed and snooze the life out of me (or what was left of it) the moment I left my office, but I could not turn down a breakfast invitation with a friend.

Inevitably, I started talking about what happened the other day. I was hesitant at first, not because I could not trust him, but I feared that narrating every detail again would make a poignant, harrowing turn in my trying-to-be-okay demeanor.

I eventually spewed every detail on the table and there I was—revealing my weak side for the world to chew on.

Then slowly, I began to realize that all it was, had only been a self-fulfilling prophesy—I wanted the pain, drama, conflict, fear, and most of all, to emerge victoriously from the mind game I schemed myself.

Whatever happened in my previous relationship, I carried it with me to my relationship with her. Unconsciously, I no longer believed I was worth being loved; that eventually, she too, would leave me for someone else. So, I would think about that every single day until I started to choke her and push her away. If she would break up with me, then that only validated what I kept on thinking again and again. “See. I am right. I do not deserve to be loved. I am not worth it.”

It was all in my head and I failed to recognize it, not ’til I found myself seated along the steps of a building with a friend having his 3rd stick of cigarettes.

That is what I call an impromptu counseling session over breakfast on a Monday morning.

And it’ll be just as quiet when I leave/As it was when I first got here — Quiet, Rachael Yamagata

I need a break.

That, coming from a woman who has just been a bum for more than two months and who, take note, said that she has been itching and dying to go to work again, seven days ago.

Right.

I had no idea I would be able to see the Taal Lake and the second Taal volcano up close! :) All we needed was one turn to Tanauan, Batangas to discover a few more delights that the said province had in store for us.

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Day two was one heluva road trip adventure as Silver slowed down once in a while so we can shoot the amazing views from the beach of Pagkilatan, the winding road to Monte Maria, to the beaches of Lemery, Batangas. :)

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There are just some things in life that are best explored and experienced with friends. Going on an epic road trip is one of them. :)

May 15-16 last year, I also had an enjoyable and worthwhile time with some co-leaders in Tagaytay, Batangas. This year however, Closa, AG, and I simply prepared ourselves for the unexpected (well, we did think of car sleepovers, turo-turo food trips, and brushing our teeth beside a cliff) as we set off with only a map, camera, and Silver with us. :) (Silver is Closa’s ride. Go figure. :P)

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Camille and I were talking over the phone last night while chatting online at FB (haha!). We were browsing some of our old photo albums together and haunting for her next profile picture. :)

As usual, I asked her to visit my tumblr blog to check the new posts I reblogged from this awesome user who uploads pictures of hot women making-out. ;) There was this collection of lingerie too being worn by sexy women for our viewing pleasure.

Another thing I enjoyed doing with her yesterday was when I asked her to choose among the t-shirt designs I made. I was glad she liked two out of the three different samples I posted. :) I could not wait to have our shirts printed!

I was still browsing at our pictures last month when I stopped at the picture of Tito’s papaitan during Jared’s birthday. I told her how much I missed it. It was epic. I can remember how the lover would ingurgitate the life out of the poor food, haha!

Surprisingly, I received an SMS from right after we hang up that papaitan was being served for dinner that evening and that Tita Em was wearing the t-shirt that I designed for Mother’s Day. :)

Then one more phone call left before she finally went to sleep. :)

There is absolutely no need to be together everyday to love each other in the most meaningful and fun ways.

Just saying. :)

• blatherskite
• ruga

• billingsgate
• gawp

ingurgitate

Camille was in her team’s summer outing at La Colina, Antipolo when I received an SMS from her, asking me to call. I was surprised to hear from her as early as 5.53AM. I thought maybe she would be able to call me past 12 noon that day since she would still be sleeping from last night’s inuman session with her team. ;) We finally spoke and she told me that she would be passing by our village to see me.

The thought of having breakfast together popped in my groggy mind. I then jolted out from bed to make the necessary preparations, haha! :)

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The first time I went to Batangas through public commute was to conduct an ocular visit for the college paper’s first TBS. Golda, Closa, and I took the train, public bus, and jeep going to Matabungkay with no definite directions on how to go there, lol. :) I enjoyed our mini-adventure of course. ;) Nothing can ever go wrong with those two.

I have been there several times for my dad’s TBS and finally, my team’s TBS back in college, and I always had the most awesome and memorable time! I especially loved Matabungkay’s sunset and my first snorkeling experience. :)

My second public commute going to Batangas was to experience the epic sea (well, more of fish) goodness of Anilao and to spend an intimate, summer getaway with the lover near the ocean. None of us have been to Anilao before (though the lover has been to Bauan) and, we also did not have a definite place to stay yet.

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Squealing in delight and acting impishly childish are two of my happiest talents, especially when I’m with friends who can squeeze a little bit more of patience for a gifted child like me, haha! ;) I therefore managed to show the careless and carefree child in me during my friends’ after work hideout in Star City. :)
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We have to give in to naivety, sometimes.

Welcome to the half of my room (the other half being occupied by my four-poster bed).

I can’t wait to see her.

I spent a memorable and significant Sunday with two friends at Tagaytay. :) It was memorable, because we did not have a definite itinerary but we ended with doing all the things we have always wanted to accomplish at Tagaytay that day (and more) plus, I discovered (or rather, it was revealed to me, kekekeke) two very shocking truths that day.

Oh no. I think that was my cue to run. /runs

The good thing about being a bum is, when your friends invite you anytime, you can rush to the nearest jet plane, anytime. Only, you do not have the money to set off on a jet plane anytime, but since you have your friends to begin with, they can pay for the fare of your jet plane  so you can hop on it anytime.

Right. (Closa and AG, be prepared to pay for my trip/stay at Batangas this May, bwahahahaha!)

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When will you look at me
The way you have looked at her,
All these years.

I am alone on a Saturday afternoon as I write this inside my happy cafe and I feel love. :)

When the lover asked me last Wednesday to go with her to Nueva Ecija, I would not want anything else in the world but to be with her during an important family occasion. I was having a wee time swimming/eating/chatting with Rorie and Ansly when I received a message from Camille about going to Jaen on Friday and leaving on a Saturday morning. I think time just froze that instant, haha! ;)

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My holy week would not have been complete without being with the Uy Clan. This year, I was able to spend a few hours with them at SM MOA last Saturday. Taking pictures and enjoying good food with them has always been a fun experience. :)

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My first dip in the pool this summer comprised of pizza, booze, cigarettes, some good ‘ol friends, and the usual street food.

Thanks for dropping by Ansly and Rorie. I missed laughing while drowning and being unable to decide which of the two should I think or even risk first. ;)